First, I want all of you to watch the video above. In it, Maddox explains six rules that EVERYONE should follow while going to see a movie. Most of the rules boil down to one simple philosophy, shut up! Yes, shut up! It is so basic, yet the concept seems to allude many, many movie goers. Are you a doctor or an attorney? No? Oh, well maybe you're the President of the United States, or a fireman? No, none of those? Oh, well then you're not THAT important. So, shut up! If you think you have a reason to open your yap or tap away on a cellphone, you don't! If you desperately need to feel important and want to see if anyone has sent you a text or called, go outside and check your damn phone. Other than that, shut up and watch the movie.
I'd love to go see a movie whenever I like, but I can't trust the people sitting in front of me, or to the sides of me, or behind me. My biggest complaint is texting. It has has gotten so bad over the last few years that I now go out of my way to see a film during the weekdays in the afternoon. Even then, I sit in the far back hoping that my solitude will bring me peacem, yet, no matter how far I sit, or what time I watch, there is always someone within my line of sight that feel compelled to make their cellphone glow. But assholes texting aren't the only issue. I've decided to add two more rules below that were not covered in the video above. Feel free to tell me any rules I missed.
#7. Putting your dirty shoes, feet or socks upon the top of a seat so that you can stretch out and relax is, [frick]ing rude. "But, nobody's here." "I like to stretch out." [frick] you. [frick] you. Oh, and [frick] you. This isn't your palace. Did you buy the theater? No? So, shut up and put your feet down on the ground. "But, the floor is sticky?" Move. Most of all, that seat that you're using as an ottoman for the next two hours will be many peoples' headrest in the future, you inconsiderate [frick]. How many times do you rest your head where your dirty shoes have been? Oh you don't do that? Okay, so now stop putting other peoples' heads through that.
#8. The movie theater is not your personal babysitter. Congratulations your parents. You and your special, or not so special someone chose to have sex and produce a child. How marvelous. While I hate when other people give out parenting advice I do feel it necessary in this case. Don't bring [frick]ing kids to a movie that is NOT appropriate for them. Hi, R-rated film, yeah that's not okay for any kids still into Barbie Dolls and bumper cars. "Hey, no parent is that dumb." Really? Go tell that to the two geniuses that brought their two under ten kids with them to see
The Conjuring. Yeah, that happened. Oh, and it's not an isolated case. Every horror film that I've seen in a theater, outside of maybe one or two has had a BAD parent(s) who brings their youngsters to watch blood and guts strewn across a screen. How delightful for them. "But they like scary movies" No, they don't. You do. "No, I swear this is what they wanted to go see." If they wanted to see "The Ring" you simply use this magical word, it's called, "NO." It's an amazing word. I believe it was invented by a 14th-century whaling captain.
"But, we couldn't find a babysitter" Oh, apparently films only come out for that one window of time and then they stop playing forever. That's news to me. "Well, we can't afford a babysitter." Um, if a babysitter is out of your price range, shelling out dough for tickets, food and drinks isn't exactly a wise investment. So, cut the shit and pay a babysitter. As adorable as you think your kids are, they're not to a stranger who just came to see a movie. We don't want to see your midgets turning a theater into their own personal fun-room.