Yesterday I lost a lot of respect for the CBM community after reading an editorial by "RorMachine" Cassidy. I was only here for an MoS scoop, but how could I resist such a sensationalist title? It was a perfect example of high school humor, complex nerd sexism, and low-effort opinionating, brought to my screen by some awful stroke of mouth-breathing providence. I wanted to explain why it was wrong on so many levels, but instead I just turned off my screen. And predictably, many people objected to Cassidy's "controversial" article in my absence. And predictably, Cassidy puckered his lips to call it satire.
But let's get something straight before we keep letting other teenagers hide behind that label: there is a big difference between "satire" and "attempted satire". And even then, neither of the two will be immune to criticism. What makes an Onion article funny in a way that Cassidy's article was not? Why does Colbert's irony work, but not Cassidy's? The difference is that Cassidy doesn't know what to do with the in-group mentality he tries to satirize.
For one thing, Cassidy doesn't make the reader laugh. But more importantly, the supposed mockery is almost non-existent. Cassidy hyperbolized what he wanted to mock, but in a way that didn't truly mock it - this reader has the sense that Cassidy might even agree with some of the "tits/ass" ratings he shared. He chose to cede the point about Woodley's body instead of deconstructing its bs sexism. But whatever Cassidy truly thinks, the article's ambiguity is poor writing and failed satire.
In a written response this morning, "RorMachine" tried to shift some blame onto his readers for fueling the misogyny. And sure - CBM is a cesspool. I'm sure the comments section to this article will affirm that.
But Cassidy, if you don't learn anything else then learn this: satire takes balls, and your piece did not have balls. "Acting should matter" was your only real point, but up until then you had nothing to say. How can you reject a shitty norm when half of your article's punchlines come from a place of agreement? Your piece never made the TARGET of your satire look bad - at best, it made them look unreasonable or silly. But it definitely made women look bad, and you should feel bad. You tried to have your TnA-rating cake and eat it too. (In other words, you pretended to lampoon the hot-mongering, but your jokes were ones that participated in objectification). For example:
"Woodley is cute, MJ is hot - big difference. Why is it so hard for them to cast these roles properly? Just match up an actress to the picture in the comic! We were denied our raging hard-on with Kirsten "Snaggletooth" Dunst, and now it seems we are destined to leave the theater with clean pants once again. But like I said, damage is done, so let's focus on the positives. Woodley looks nice enough with a bit of slap on so just keep her that way."
Who is that quote lampooning? What is the desired laugh here, except that Woodley is not as sexy, hot, desirable? It masquerades as a persona, but in reality this is called an in-group joke. And once you're a part of that, your satire means nothing because you've already agreed with the underlying norms you "criticize".
The argument will be made that he segues this persona into criticism. But even when Cassidy tries to mock the sexism, he pulls his punches with intentionally weak jokes. Take this example:
"Think dying your actress' hair red is enough? Not for us comic purists. Look at Woodley, then look at the comic version of MJ. Notice the difference? That's right, the drawing's hair is... bigger!"
The joke in this quote is that Comic-MJ is not realistic. Therefore, the fans' expectations are not realistic, either. How silly and unreasonable!
Now repeat after me: this is not a burn. Nobody feels dissed - it's just playing nice. If the goal is to spear these misogynistic basement-dwellers, then put on your game face and do it. But of course that won't happen, because part of you still wants their acceptance. You make their jokes, you know their humor, and where they're coming from. (After all, Shailene Woodley really *isn't* that hot, am I right?) Cassidy may think that he's above the mess, but he's really just another part of it.
Aspiring writers and CBM readers, please learn from Cassidy's experience. Even if you slap on the "SATIRE" label you are not immune from the mechanics of what makes satire work and not work. Don't be lazy about your writing. Keep paying attention, shine a harsh light on yourselves, and don't be jerks.
(Another general tip to Cassidy: break up the long sentences and stop using commas to force connectives. Your writing will become stronger.)
The Rangers were unable to turn away from the horrible sight of their friend being mutilated before them. As the torture was progressing, Zedd filled the image again. He motioned to Goldar to cover Kimberly's mouth, to muffle her screams of agony so that he could speak to the Rangers. "How do you like that? Wouldn't you like to feel Tortura work his magic on your bodies? Trini, wouldn't you like to replace Kimberly on the table?
And you boys -- look how Tortura treats the lovely Kimberly's fingers. Imagine what he's do to your penises and balls, eh? Ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Yes, he'd remove them very, very slowly! Can you imagine the agony as you are slowly castrated? If you remain Power Rangers, all this will happen! Look well upon the fate of the Pink Ranger -- it is up to YOU as o whether you suffer the same fate!!" And with that, his image faded. The Rangers stood silently in the command center. The sight of Kimberly's torture and the threats that Zedd made to them had stunned them into shocked silence. Zordon tried to speak. "Rangers, you must be strong. Together we can defeat Zedd." Jason tried to speak, but couldn't think of what to say. The remaining Rangers looked at each other, as Billy silently puts down the computer printout he had been holding.
Meanwhile, back in the torture chamber, Kimberly had passed out when the red hot iron burned the stump from where her finger had been amputated. Tortura decided that she had had enough for this session, and she was carried to her cage where she was allowed to rest.
She was woken, and was relieved to see that she was in the cage and not in the torture chamber. She felt like her entire body was consumed with agony. Her hands were aflame with pain, and her toes were so full of pain that standing or walking was impossible. After she was fed and watered,
she was given a sedative, so that despite the agony that threatened to overwhelm her, she fell fast asleep.
Kimberly was awakened by the shaking of her cage. She looked up and saw Goldar and two Putties. She immediately curled herself up into the fetal position and began to whimper and tremble. She didn't have the strength to fight anymore, and her body still ached horribly from the torture. Her body still hurt where she had been burned, her hands ached where her thumbs had been removed, and the tips
of her lucious toes, now bereft of the lovely toenails that used to be there, were aflame with pain. Goldar and the Putties grabbed her lovely naked body and dragged the whimpering girl down the hall to the torture chamber, where Tortura and Lord Zedd awaited their victim's entrance. They held her before Tortura and Zedd -- she needed to be held since standing or walking was pretty much impossible considering the condition of her feet and toes -- and Tortura took a hypodermic needle and gave her another injection. Today's injection was an even
stronger stimulant than the one she had been given yesterday. "No more,"
whimpered Kimberly, her voice reduced to a low hoarse by the constant screaming. "Please no more no more please..." Her voice trailed off into sobs. "No more?" roared Zedd, grabbing the sobbing girl by the hair. "But we've got so much more