How nerdy? So nerdy I went to see the new Star Trek movie at 9:45pm the night before it opened officially. And you know how I like to be in bed by 10pm.
But sometimes you have to sacrifice for a larger cause. So let's get to it.
Bad. I've had a night to sleep on't. And I say very bad.
But let's start with the good. Because there's so much time for the bad in life, it's always good to start with the good. (Here's where the spoilers start, look away if you don't want to know.)
The Good
* Salad Toss: This franchise has been dead for a long time while they kept making bland TV shows and movies off its wispy, tired fumes. What they did well is toss all the elements in the air and come up with something that feels fresh. How? Oh, new young actors, some new special effects, and the plot is about time travel by bad guys back to Kirk's and Spock's childhood days where they totally alter Earth's history. So now they can make up any stories they want and ignore all the history we know so far. I know, not a very clever out, too easy and formulaic and obvious. But it's like when Tony killed his cousin Steve Buscemi with a shotgun on The Sopranos. It had to be done to restore harmony to the streets. So it was right.
* Special Effects: The special effects are pretty snappy, and more dystopian to overcome the pretty happy world boring-ness that they turned the series into. Now it doesn't look like every room in space is a corporate conference room in Orange County, California. Darker and dirtier. Again, needed to be done.
* Spock: They cast an absolutely perfect actor to play young Spock, and he captures younger Leonard Nimoy's core better than anyone could have planned. He's a joy to watch, I may just like him better than Nimoy. I'd watch the movie again just for him. Yes, I have a man-crush. You know what he really nailed? The skinny-Spock-tensed-shouldered, leaning-forward-with-intelligently-confused-possibly-ready-to-spring-and-choke-you expression. I'd almost watch the show just to see this actor do this thing. (Oh, and the rest of the casting is pretty good. Except the guy who plays Kirk, he's forgettable I can't stand him.)
The Bad
* Hollywood: It's so clear that this script was written by one or several idiot Southern Californians. And I say that as someone born and raised in Southern California. Maybe it's just J. J. Abrams. But the script is terrible. Who's the bad guy? Oh! A Romulan because his planet was destroyed with his lovely pregnant wife on it, and he blames Spock! How do we make Spock lose his cool? Oh! Have the bad guy blow up Spock's home world while he's trying to save his mother! How do they blow up a friggin' planet? Oh! There's the stuff called "red matter" that creates black holes! They needed a plot twist, they picked the most predictable ways to get them. Which brings me to...
* Bad Science: They just made shit up right and left as far as science goes. Who cares you ask? The original series was intelligent and used real scientific theories -- it made you excited about science and the adventure it could breed, the problems it could solve. Shows like Lost in Space, on the other hand, just made shit up for plot twists: "Danger Will Robinson -- approaching supernova!" And a blue ball floated by while everyone ducked. Note to writers: Supernovae are not little blue balls floating in space. And black holes are real and not created by "red matter." [frick]ers. Star Trek inspired children and a lot of the technology today. It made us want to be inventors and doctors. Movies like this new one? It inspires kids to believe in slopping thinking that leads to things like astrology and magical explanations. It's just sad.
* Lost Losers: This is subtle, but it's true -- Star Trek was always about losers, outcasts. It was about people who didn't fit in to regular society, the uncool ones. Why they hell else were they on a spaceship for five years away from home? If home is cool and you feel good there, you sure as hell don't go out into space and risk your life, that's stupid. They were usually running from something. They wanted more from life than they could get at home. And in the process they found home and family among their fellow misfits. That was a dear and sweet storyline. And, let's face it, who are the Star Trek fans? Who makes fictional characters in a weekly science fiction TV show meaningful in their lives? Exactly. But what have they done now? All the characters are hipster badass young punks heading out to take on the world, because they're the best and the baddest -- it's the fraternity and sorority kids who win out. That is not what made Star Trek attract legions of offbeat and special souls. It was dear to a lot of people because it was about finding family, finding your own kind and what's fantastic about them -- about finding your place and people. The morons who wrote this script clearly had no idea. They're interested in cool people.
* Superficial: Do not laugh -- Star Trek may have been many silly things, but it was never superficial. It was about friendship and trust, it was about personal struggle, it was about inspiration and literature, it was about learning to be great and dreaming that you, too, may one day make love to a beautiful green woman. It was about big, romantic, idealistic ideas. It was about ideas that every child should be exposed to and inspired by. It was never an idiot's tale about blowing shit up and acting cool just for the hell of it. Which is what this movie is. Just blow shit up, just have people attack and kill and explain why with cliche crap like "you killed my mother, dude, now I'm gonna kill you." Or "you killed my lovely pregnant wife, now I'm gonna kill you." These characters are not compelling because...because they're nothing compelling about them. Because they don't reflect our real struggles. The original show always did, and that's why it made us kids into better grownups. This movie loses all that. It's just sad.
The verdict? This Star Trek is just what Hollywood does when it cashes in on names and images. That's all. So it's like a vampire -- only the shell is the person you love. Inside it's being run by a different creature altogether, a demon. And you have to get that so you can drive a stake through its heart before it kills you.
Wait, where was I again? Oh yeah, right. So let's hope the sequel is done by someone else. But I think it's already signed up for by J. J. Abrams. He admits he was never a fan. You can tell. What was special about the show and characters is not that. It's very forgettable.
So forget it. Watch a rerun of the real show on cbs.com. It's free.