10 Worst Video Game Worlds To Take A Vacation To
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
turtlewithlemonade.com
10. Resident Evil: Raccoon City
Even for a thrill-seeker, Raccoon City is not a great vacation spot. It used to be a quaint little city, perfect for a weekend of shopping or even raising a family. But ever since 1998 and the outbreak of the T-virus, things have really gone downhill. Dead people roam the street tearing pedestrians to pieces and eating them alive. You do get to use some pretty cool guns and that can be fun, but you can do the same thing at a firing range and not have to worry about getting your arm gnawed off. Aside from the T-virus, Raccoon City is really a victim of Corporate America; the Umbrella Corporation came into town, took all the good jobs and turned everyone into zombies, just like Wal-Mart. So skip Raccoon City on your next road trip, maybe try another city, like Atlanta.
9. Frogger
Life is tough in the world of Frogger. First off, there really doesn't seem to be much to do, you just cross the street in order to get to another street. It's just perpetual street crossings to nowhere. I know people love to say "It' s the journey, not the destination," but even chickens haven't crossed the street so many times. That, and it's not that you are just crossing the street, that'd be bad enough, but there are no crosswalks, and nobody yields for you, ever. Being a pedestrian in Frogger's world has only two eventual outcomes, endless boredom or road-kill, and after being in Frogger's world for about an hour, you'll gladly throw yourself in front of an 18-wheeler.
8. Halo
The world of Halo is just about the most dangerous place you can think of visiting. Sure there are cyborgs, cool guns and spaceships, but you'll never have a chance to enjoy them when you're running from The Covenant. In case you didn't know, The Covenant is a very dedicated group of religious zealots. And not religious zealots like the ones who bother you at dinner time and tell you you're a sinner, more like religious zealots who want to vaporize everyone who doesn't agree with them (for my own safety, I'm not going to make a Muslim joke here). And, believe it or not, the war between the humans and The Covenant is not the most hazardous thing in this world. The scariest thing from this game is something called The Flood and it's worse than that time your hot water heater blew and flooded the basement, much worse. The flood can pretty much wreck up the whole galaxy. So unless you have a really cool name like Master Chief or President King or something like that, you probably won't make it in the Halo world.
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
So, you think it'd be cool to travel through time? Well, trust me, it's not all Morlocks and DeLoreans, tearing open the space-time continuum can be a pretty dangerous way to spend your vacation, even with four pizza-loving mutant turtles at your side. Every time period you travel to in this game looks cool at first, but they're inevitably stuffed with obstacles that can be a real pain in the shell. On the streets of modern New York you can fall into sewer drains and get blasted by fire hydrants. On an old pirate ship you get smacked in the face with planks of wood. You get to ride a really cool hover board in the future, but you have to surf it over spikes and explosives. And in every single time period somehow there's ninjas trying to kill you, they even have ninjas on dinosaurs! You go through all this trouble just to save a reporter who can never seem to mind her own business, and need I remind you that there's no pizza in the stone age! My advice? just leave April back there with the T-Rex's, there are plenty of other reporters with cleavage.
6. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Fast cars, drugs and prostitutes, a paradise for Charlie Sheen, but for the average vacation goer, San Andreas is really a place you should avoid. Simply put, the crime in San Andreas has taken over. People can be shot in the street, mowed down by cars while on the sidewalk and thugs randomly beat you up out of boredom. Now, don't get me wrong, there are cool things to check out there, like flying your own helicopter and using a fire engine as a battering ram, but even worse than the crooks in San Andreas are the cops. As soon as you start to have some fun, they get on your ass and try to arrest you. For your own good, stay home or maybe try Disneyland or something, because if you go to San Andreas, you may not come back.
5. Rampage
What if King Kong, Godzilla and the Wolfman were all best pals and spent their time touring cities across the country and ripping them to pieces? Well, that's kind of what it's like in the world of Rampage. You may think it's nice to visit a big city and go shopping for a weekend, but in Rampage, the shops and other buildings are constantly being scaled by giant monsters who tear people out of them and toss them away. Forget about trying to get around in this world, all the trolleys and buses are also targets for the vicious creatures. And if you end up in trouble don't expect a helicopter to come and save you, they're just gorilla snacks. Yes, it is true that this world does feature some pretty amazing wildlife, but if you get too close, you'll likely end up as lunch.
4. Fallout
The world of Fallout started out a lot like our world up until about the Cold War Era. In the Fallout world, America never got over its fear of commies, pinkos and nuclear meltdown, mostly because there was a nuclear meltdown. Now, hundreds of years in the future, everyone lives in vaults which are kind of tight so it can be tough to book a room. And just about everything not in a vault got mutated, but not in a cool, X-Men way, more like in a vastly devastated wasteland kind of way, so, this world is not great for pictures. Vegas is still standing, but bottle-caps have replaced money so if you win you look like a nerd with a stupid collection. Worst of all, nobody seemed to learn anything from the fallout because everyone’s still trying to kill each other. So assuming you don't mutate or starve to death there's a good chance someone will kill you anyway.
3. Super Mario World
Sure, it's bright and sunny and money just floats in the air waiting for you to come and get it, but Super Mario World is still an awful place to travel to. Take, for example, the wildlife, you have cute turtles attack you on sight, walking explosives that follow you around and little creatures in clouds that throw shit at you. And with fire-breathing flowers and killer mushrooms, the plant-life isn't much better. Just like Mexico, kidnapping is a real hazard in Super Mario World, even the princess had been held for ransom over a dozen times. Under the benevolent rule of the dictator King Koopa, it seems the whole world is oppressed, as evidenced by the fact that the greatest profession one can achieve here is a plumber. So, unless you have an undying urge to own a raccoon hat that can make you fly, Super Mario World is not for you.
2. Batman: Arkham City
So, you got a brochure in the mail written completely in riddles and once you decoded them, you realized it was an ad to come and visit Arkham City. Well, trust me, it's a scam and all the features those brochures tout are not what they seem. Yes, there is opportunity for bird watching, but most of those birds are trained to kill people or carry mini rocket launchers. The sushi is to die for, but not in a good way (fish shouldn't smile). Yes, you can get into spectacular shape in Arkham City, but protein shakes are much safer than venom. And, just like the ad said, there's a rejuvenating spa, but they don't advertise that a side effect of the Lazarus Pit is madness megalomania. In short, Arkham City is a very easy place to get into trouble, and if you need help, don't expect the District Attorney to be there for you, he isn't even around half the time. Just rip up that brochure and check out Metropolis instead.
1. The Sims
Going to the world of The Sims would be like living in Home Depot forever, which really is kind of cool. You can build anything, you can buy a pool, pets, landscaping and almost anything your heart desires. I admit there are a lot of very appealing things about going to The Sims world, but there is one simple reason why it's at the top of this list: the people. The Sims are the most annoying people ever conceived of . They're flaky, materialistic and they never shut the hell up. Nevermind the fact that you can't understand a word they are saying. They don't care, they just talk and talk and talk. Now, say, somehow, you get past all that and you grow to like a Sim, or even get romantic with one. Well, don't get your hopes up, because as soon as you get anywhere with them all the good parts are blurred out. Yes, I guarantee after just a few minutes with the Sims, you'll have an overwhelming desire to drown them, set them on fire or build a little house around them with no doors and watch them starve to death.