Trailer:
“Everyone needs help [with a script], even Spider-Man!”
So I sat down to start writing this review summary when I realized I couldn’t do it. Try as I might, I could not find an actual plot to this film. Now when I say plot I’m talking about an overarching story that stretches the entire length of the film. Unfortunately Spider-Man 3 doesn’t have one. It is comprised entirely of subplots strung together to create a movie.
This is what comes of a lack of compromise between producers and directors. You can’t point fingers all you want at who is to blame, the stubborn creative mind or the “suites” but it comes down to the fact that the studio refused to give up Venom as a villain and Raimi refused to let go of Sandman.
The movie has to constantly work to keep all the villains from stepping on each others toes by ridiculous mean of pretending to kill them off or by one of the all time biggest clichés of convenient amnesia that comes and goes when the writers need it too. Thus, before a villain can return to the screen the writers have to knock one off somehow. Thus we get a film cluttered with big name villains and too many plot threads.
In order to make all these threads work within the running time, the film has no choice but to be built on coincidences. Such as Sandman killing his uncle (then getting superpowers) or the alien symbiote just happening to land right next to the one person in the world with powers.
This causes many pacing problems and several subplots that never really find a conclusion. Such as Peter’s proposal to Mary Jane that is lost after a super powered free for all.
I was not a fan of Tobey McGuire in the first film but in the second one they toned down his goofyness and I found I could enjoy his interpretation of the character. In the third chapter he amps it right back up to maximum power. Making him a general clown. He also becomes a crying blubbering wimp. I never thought I’d see a performance of Peter Parker that would make me be embarrassed to be a Spider-Man fan.
The film also tries to introduce a secondary love interest on top of everything else. Bryce Dallis Howard portrays a boring, unlikable, and outright annoying Gwen Stacy. Mary Jane absorbed a lot of aspects of Gwen’s character for the franchise so I guess it was only fair that Gwen did the same, becoming a ditzy blond model rather than the brilliant academic from the comics.
Speaking of Mary Jane and unlikable. It is the same old song and dance for Kirsten Dunst, except this time even worse as she becomes a jealous b*tchy girlfriend who blames her boyfriend for all her career troubles (or at very least takes them out on him).
As for the villains, Harry’s New Goblin certainly wins most sloppy baddie of the 2000’s when you consider the potential there. From the convenient amnesia to James Franco’s overly buddy-buddy acting, he never feels threatening. Plus HOW IN HELLS NAME DID HARRY CREATE ALL THAT STUFF?! He was barely passing chemistry a couple films ago and now he invents energy swords and surfboard gliders on his own.
To make matters all the worse the script tosses in a SECOND love triangle between Harry-Mary Jane-and Peter. In the end Harry is such a poor excuse for a villain that they have to steal aspects from Batman villains. Hey Harry! Two-Face has got the patent on that look!
I’m still at lost on how Harry went insane BEFORE getting juiced up on goblin serum. In the comics he was on LSD which distorted his perception of his father’s death. Instead of actually touching on this issue, the film instead avoids references to hard drugs and just has Harry take one shot of alcohol then go bat sh*t crazy.
And who hired Eric Forman as Venom? Every time he came on screen I thought my theater accidentally got That 70’s Show mixed in with the print. Many of the movies problems come from this character. Much of it from Topher Grace’s phoned in performance. But also at the point when the symbiot combines with Clark Kent Geek -Peter Parker the movie becomes unbearably bad. With an emo version of Mcguire that we have to watch dance...twice! It only returns to being watchable when the suite is permanently removed.
Yet overall how Venom and the black suite was handled shows a fundamental misunderstanding by Raimi of what the character is about and the mythology behind him. Raimi was right in one regard. He was not the right director to try and take on Venom.
Sandman is the only villain competently done, yet he still should have been the one removed from the movie. He really didn’t have much purpose in it. In fact they had to crow bar in the idea that HE killed Uncle Ben, which diminishes the origin story in a way. Yet every scene involving Sandman tops everything else. The scene where he first has to reform himself after being turned to sand is probably the best part of the film both visually and emotionally. Though he isn’t the thug from the comics he is an interesting and engaging character….until that decide to turn him into a godzilla-like sand monster in the last twenty minutes.
There is only one thing all these villains and heroes share. They all have some pretty sick costumes and masks and NONE OF THEM KEEP THEM ON! Spider-Man as a result is only in about fifteen minutes of this film. Mostly it’s McGuire running around without a suite in over half the fight scenes.
So the entire movie chugs along going nowhere, just to get to the final climax which is a rehash of the last two films. Where Spider-Man 2 at least had a machine about to destroy the entire city, Spider-Man 3 just feels lazy. There is no tension to it and has a been-there feel.
Then, in the illogical move to end all illogical moves the film brings out the background butler character to become one of the worst plot devices of all time. Once again, just so he coincidentally knows Harry and Norman’s secret in order to herd the film to the right direction.
Now the entire film isn’t trash. It’s not some legitimately funny scenes in it. Mostly though the effects are outstanding and has some of the best fight scenes in the trilogy. Danny Elfman also returns and delivers another great score. J.K Simmons is also still the perfect J. Jonah Jameson and every scene with him is as amusing and entertaining as always.
Yet in the end the films biggest flaw is not having a central plotline. It’s enough to make you ask, “who the hell green lit this one?”
FINAL RATING: 3/10- (30%)
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