On October 15th, 2014, a day that will live in infamy, I woke up to some horrible news.
There I was--asleep at my desk, being given the heads up by Jeff...Jeff of course is the guy who sits in the cubicle next to mine and lets me know when our supervisor is around the corner. My buddy Jeff has his methods for making sure I don't get in trouble. "Put it away guys, we can't be on PornHub anymore!" is what he usually says when we're awake and not doing work. When we're resting, he'll yell out "Boy, my leg sure is asleep. I better wake it up before it gets YELLED AT!!!" When we're asleep, the boss isn't around and he's bored, he'll get his phone out and do something to us that the kids call "tea-bagging." The joke's on him though. Most of the time I'm only pretending to be asleep. Because I want to open my eyes and smile when the camera flashes and his prunes are on my face--that always shows him!
Anyways...Jeff woke me up to tell me that Margarita, the 60 year old cleaning lady that lets you touch her boobs (over the shirt) for a few Andrew Jacksons had been deported. Remember that scene from Wreck-It-Ralph when Ralph destroys that little girl's candy car? That's how I felt. With every fiber of my being, I try my best not to cry. But the feels are seriously getting to me. After a few minutes, I realize I can't hold it in anymore. I run to the bathroom and let it all out inside the handicap stall. Then I have myself that cry.
When I come back, I find out Ezra Miller has been cast as the Flash for the Warner Bros. series of DC Films.
Now, my initial reaction was very similar to everyone else's. I was all like say whaaaa? And then I was all like Nuh-uh! Looking back, I even remember being like guuurl, you bettah drahp dat chicken dinner and get wit a winner! Driving back on the way home, it's possible that I even sang if you liked it, then you shudda put a ring on it. Keep in mind, I wasn't angry with the casting. Just confused as to why they didn't go after Emilio Estevez, comedian Steven Wright (I know Sam Kinison is dead, so that's why that fan-favorite wasn't pursued), or even that dude playing him right now, Grant Gustin.
But the more I thought about it at home, the more I realized I was overreacting to nothing. Relaxing in my bubble bath, listening to Kenny G, I realized two things. One: How many times have we fans been wrong about controversial casting decisions? Two: These all-organic lilac scented candles from Martha Stewart's Fall catalog were five different types of fabuloso! Before I turn to Nickelodeon to get my fap on (before you guys judge me as some lecherous pedophile, I'll have you know that I'm actually not some dirty old man--I don't even turn 35 for another two months!), I realize two more things. One: I can't seem to pitch a tent unless someone is looking at me (and my cat Meowitz is nowhere to be found). Two: Ezra Miller may end up being not only a better Flash than John Wesley Snipes Ships, but Miller may be an even better Flash than...Grant Gustin!
Yeah...yeah...I know. Put that away. Shooting your computer monitor isn't going to kill me. You know what? Do it bitch! I don't care. Destroy your laptop or desktop monitor. Send me the bill to replace it so I can send you back an envelope full of Monopoly money and a picture of my ass! But before you do that, all I ask is that you hear me out first! Below, you'll find the reasons why I'm supporting Ezra Miller as the Flash.
So without further ado, feast your eyes on these solid arguments that cannot possibly be refuted without significantly embarrassing one's self.
She's A Great Actress
Okay...time for me to fess up. Technically I haven't seen any of her work. But I've been told by my brother that she was really good in this movie called "Wallflower" with that one girl who played Hermione in those Harry Potter films. Emma Blunt? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that Tara Reid isn't getting work anymore because she's a bad actress, but this woman that will be playing the Flash, is.
Ask yourself, would they give this major role to just anyone? Especially after Ryan Reynolds' performance in Green Lantern? Well, actually, I didn't think Reynolds was necessarily all that bad as Hal Jordan. But you know Hollywood sees him as Box Office poison now. That's why he isn't getting that Deadpool movie. Him and Taylor Kitsch aren't being hired anymore for that reason. So, in this post-Reynolds and Kitsch world...wouldn't you think that Warner Bros. would be more likely to stay away from bad apples that taste like ass when you bite down on them? Exactly! Warner Bros. studios is like Bang Bros. studios--they want to make money. They wouldn't hire some actress if they felt she wasn't...huh?...what's that?
They are making a Deadpool movie? With Reynolds? Holy shit...are you serious? Don't jerk me around, man! Really? DAAAAAMN! This is the first I'm hearing of this. What made them change their minds? Test footage got leaked? It was so bad ass, Fox took notice of the positive word of mouth? Wow!...wow! That's like...that's crazy, man. Wow. So when is this suppose to come out? Really? Well, let's hope they don't push this movie back. Let's hope it's actually good too. I hope this isn't a joke.
A Female Flash Will Be A Refreshingly New Interpretation
Listen, I get it. I totally understand the outcry. Let's rewind the clocks back to the year 2004. Remember when they re-did Battlestar Galactica? Everyone was whining about the producers changing the genders and ethnicity of a few characters. And by everyone, I mean the five people that watched the show as a kid and actually cared. A group that I don't belong to. But you know what ended up happening? The re-imagined Battlestar Galactica ended up being one of the greatest science fiction shows that ever aired on TV. Mostly because we have yet to see a real sci-fi show that's the equivalent of Game of Thrones...which is due to premium cable networks like HBO not having sci-fi shows.
Was Caprica any good? Aaaahhh! I'm getting off track. I'm getting off track.
The point I'm trying to make, is this. I really, really want a girlfriend. So until that happens, I'm going to pander to wimmins by pretending to be a feminazi feminist. I suggest that all you men do the same. Imagine how awesome it'll be going to see Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel with a girl on your arm! If Hillary Clinton becomes President, imagine all the sex you'll get on Election Night when Clinton wins and your girl is crying with joy! When it comes time to go to bed, she's gonna absolutely destroy your pelvis--high on woman power!!! A few weeks later, you might even find out you're pregnant! Then you'll be the one weeping as you give up your baby for adoption because you're Catholic and your parents don't approve of abortion! We can't lose! Five up high bro! :D
She's A Very Attractive Actress
Okay, now...before I go into my spiel--I want to show you something.
See that? See that hateful ignorant comment? That mean oppressor just made fun of her physical appearance by pretending to confuse Miss Miller with a man. Fellas, not all women are sex objects, okay? Only strippers and porn stars. The next time you make a comment about a woman's appearance, ask yourself this question--Is this lady someone's daughter? If you answer yes, maybe you shouldn't be sexually assaulting women with verbal comments that can devour her self-esteem! Are you guys listening to me? What you're doing is wrong. It's extremely hurtful and sexist. But more importantly, bitches don't like it. You don't have to do it because it's morally correct. Do it for the same reason I do. Because you want to get laid and offending sausage wallets makes that difficult.
Now, I want to show you some offensive comments from this very site!
Mmm mmm mmm. You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Fortunately, we have some great upstanding folks on here that were very supportive of Ezra.
I have a feeling that if Anita Sarkeesian had read Gusto's comment, she would approve...before asking for his hand in marriage!
Nailbiter's comment warmed my heart like a Christmas story being told by the fire place.
Wasn't that nice? Anyways...I think Ezra Miller is sexy and you should think that too.
She's A Good Person
Okay...now...I'm going to tell you a story. But before I do, it's important for you to know that I am not talking about me...okay? I am not talking about me. I'm talking about a friend of mine. Not me. A friend of mine.
So a friend of mine reminded me that I went to a party in Hollywood a while back, and that at this party, was Ezra Miller. Apparently, one of my friends (not me) was so drunk, that...he may have spent the night with Ezra Miller.
Yup. And when I was told this, a flood of memories came running back to me. Uh, my friend--the one that slept with Miller--well, I remembered the story he told me about that night. I remember that night, going over to this pretty young lady and asking for a dance. Ezra agreed and the two of us rocked the dance floor to that Selfie song by the Chainsmokers. After one too many Cherry flavored Smirnoff Ice bottles...we went back to her place.
Her apartment was huge! It was just the two of us, save her cute little Pomeranian, Mister Kisses. Me, Ezra and Mister Kisses sat on the couch binge-watching the HBO series Looking. It's actually a pretty good show. Well, I think it was. I'd be lying if I said I was fully paying attention. Truth be told, I was lost in her eyes. After spending an hour on the balcony, overlooking the city while in each other's arms, we talked about our most precious memories from our childhoods. For me, it was the time I got to spend with my grandpa before he died. For Ezra, it was opening night when she played Peter Pan in the school play. I told her I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. Ezra laughed. She told me I was "a pretty woman, too!" I like people that have that sarcastic sense of humor. Like when you tell someone to "Say Goodbye John." And they say "Goodbye John" verbatim, even though they just said good bye to their own name.
Even though I was asked by Ezra to mimic the mating habits of Mister Kisses, I opted to wait for a second date before moving on to that next level. I didn't want her to think I was a slut. How else would she respect me? On the drive home, I fantasized about our future together. Me...grilling hamburger patties in our nice suburban backyard while she held our baby. Unfortunately, I was so lost in thought that I forgot to get her phone number. But that was okay. The way I saw it, if fate wanted us to be together, we would be together. If she wanted me badly enough, she would seek me out...uh...my friend! She would seek out my friend.
My Final Thoughts:
As I wrap up this editorial, I am completely aware of the fact that not everyone will be swayed by my arguments. If logic and reason were instant argument winners, wouldn't I be allowed within a 50 yard radius of my ex-girlfriend Sarah? It's almost like they don't want me to have a fair second chance at winning her back. No, I'm not trying to convert you to my point of view. I merely want you to understand where I'm coming from. And if you are still shaking your head, let me ask you one more simple question. If we were wrong about Michael Keaton being a bad choice for Batman, if we were wrong about Health Ledger being a bad fit for Joker and wrong about Halle Berry's Catwoman being awful....
Isn't it possible we're wrong about Ezra Miller not being right for the Flash?
Thank you for reading my opinion on the matter...what's your opinion? I'd like to hear your thoughts. Comment in the section below.
ALL OFFENSIVE COMMENTS REFERRING TO EZRA MILLER AS A MALE WILL BE DELETED.
Easter Egg