Trailer:
“This is why Superman works alone.”
Joel Schumacher is back to the same old song and dance in the sequel of his poorly crafted first film. Only this time around he had to find himself a new Batman, it seemed even Val Kilmer wouldn’t touch this. Chris O’Donnel would, but he doesn’t seem to have any producers on quick dial, so I can’t blame him….much.
So how does this film start? How does it ease our worried conscious following its predecessor? Well open on a glory shot of the actor’s codpieces and plastic buttocks of course. I wish I could have been in the theater when it first came out to see every audience members’ head disappear into their hands. On second thought I don't cause then I would have burned 10 bucks on this.
From there we jump to an immediate action scene with no build up where Mr. Freeze is attempting to steal diamonds to power his ice gun and refrigerator suite. Apparently it is all part of some grand scheme to freeze Gotham and hold it for ransom. Why? So he can acquire the “billions” of dollars that he needs to heal his wife. Quite the expensive operation.
Meanwhile somewhere in some jungle, environmental enthusiast Dr. Pamela Isley, is trying to genetically alter plants to give them a “fighting chance” against humans, while in reality her research is being used to create the super soldier called Bane. Really, I’m starting to wonder if Schumacher let his 5-year-old nephew write this. Anyways Isley gets pushed into a vat of chemicals when she discovers Bane's creation and instead of becoming the Swamp Thing, she turns into sexy poison Ivey, the self proclaimed “mother nature” who wants to get rid of all humans. Pretty much the ultimate tree huger.
From there Ivey starts to manipulate both Bane and Mr. Freeze to her motives, trying to get them to destroy humanity for her. She can’t do it herself because the only power she has is a death kiss and she can’t kiss every human on the planet. Then again, this is Uma Thurman so if she would like to try, count me in (if I had a time machine to go back 20 years).
The entire film is a giant mess of characters, pacing, and puns. The dialogue for this film makes Batman Forever’s sound Oscar worthy, while the movies childish disposition quickly causes it to degrade to something for only 5-9 year olds. Parts of the movie run too quickly while a large amount drags. Either way you will be hoping for the end long before it comes. Overall it is about an hour too long.
Now then, we have had Michael Keaton as a good Batman, Val Kilmer as a fairly decent Bruce Wayne, but George Clooney neither makes a good Batman nor a good Wayne. He steps on set and rather than playing Batman, just plays George Clooney once again. I could not buy him as batman in the slightest. If I didn't know better I would have thought the director told him to play it up as a comedy.
Speaking of people I couldn’t buy in roles, I cannot even begin to imagine why they thought they needed to include Batgirl. I guess it was just so they wouldn’t need a man beating up the female villain. You know, just for sexism sake. Not only is the actress not believable as the character, but her development is rushed to a major fault. What qualifications does Alfred’s biker niece have to be a crime fighter. Maybe the costume just gives her magic powers.
Let’s get down to the real disaster of this film (apart from bad puns fired off every three seconds), the villains. Poison Ivey, played by the gorgeous Uma Thurman is WAY over the top, which makes her irritating more than anything else. It seemed like they wanted her to be the sexy Catwoman-like villain but failed at every step along the way. Meanwhile her sidekick Bane is reduced just down to a brainless henchman. He is pretty much the Hulk, even turning green when he gets strong. This certainly is not the man you remember breaking the bat.
Then there is Arnold Schwartzenegger, who plays Mr. Freeze. I guess he is supposed to be some sort of sympathetic villain but with all his puns and the fact that he wants to kill everyone in the city to save his wife, I really can’t help but see him than anything more than what he is….a psycho. Also it is clear that Arnold was not taking the role seriously (though I can’t think of any film where I can take Schwartzenegger seriously). He quickly becomes a cartoon with powers that are completely unbelievable and inconceivable even in the world created by Schmacher.
So what left is there to say about this film? Is there anything good? I can only think of one other thing besides Uma Thurman’s….. physique, and that was the subplot of Alfred dying. Those scenes with Michael Gough where the only ones where I remembered that I am a human and supposed to feel some kind of emotion. They did a fairly good job with it and it only worked so well because the same actor played the role in all four films, so the audience felt something of a connection to him.
Past that it can only be enjoyed on the level of “so bad it’s good”, but even that is pushing it. It may be amusing for the first half hour but it quickly wears itself out on you. The Batman franchise literally rolled over and died on this film and it would take years of production hell to get another one off the ground. All I can say is thank god it ended here.
FINAL RATING: 1/10- (10%)
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